Twenty Short Letters No. 4 Understanding

From "Twenty Short Letters" No. 4

I understood. 

I understood that deep down in the depth of your yesterdays you were deathly afraid.  Afraid of the judgement, of the loneliness, of enduring the uncomfortable space until it became comfortable again. Afraid of the loss, of having to explain things, to her, to everyone. Ego and reputation keep some cowering forever, throwing up walls in fear of a looming attack. It's what is within the fortress that matters most but seldom is a priority. 

I understood what it was to have a void inside you and choosing it every time over the warpath to real happiness. Should you suffer a little until the end of your days or commit to the hazards of the hard road? Damned by complacency or maybe even laziness. 

I understood your fear. The fear that if you choose yourself, even once, your pedestal would be toppled into a rut and their love would topple with it. The image others have of you is grand, their arms wrapped around you, a genuine love- and that's real. The right ones will stay you know? They will love you still. They will love you for your truth, your bravery, your willingness to sacrifice and start over, this time, for yourself. 

I understood the risk. The risk that it would be a mistake. That it would be temporary and you could never go back. The uncertainty, the gamble.  But you see the signs,  even if you won't admit you see them. You can ignore them forever, that's up to you but they won't just go away. You'll see them in a car passing by, on a piece of junk mail, in a cup of tea or when you catch your own reflection, even years from now, you'll see them.

I understood the weight. The immeasurable weight of something so heavy on your heart and mind every day, the madness of trying to stop it. You'll never stop it. I'll never stop it. Eventually, we will throw the world to the wind and give into it, admitting to ourselves what we've really known all along.  Or we will carry on as we always have, with the void inside, sometimes whispering, sometimes screaming a lifetime dismantled almosts. 

I understood that I convinced myself of all these lies. I convinced myself that you chose a higher path because it was easier than the truth. And the truth was, you didn't want it. The truth was, I paced the floors on sleepless nights, but you did not. I was devoured by my hopes, but you were not. Your presence was everything, and mine was not. What a one-sided, washable masterpiece are these thoughts that consume me. Surely the things that eat me alive would be full by now, but they are not. 

I understood, the very first time I saw you, that you could destroy me~ and I knew I'd let you.